National Coming Out Day 2012

Because when Jesus said he came to proclaim release to the captives and to let the oppressed go free, I believed him...

Last blog I posted the art work based on the eighth Psalm I was required to create for my class. This was the second piece of the two part assignment, the first piece of the assignment was to write our own Psalm. The psalm could be a psalm of lament, thanksgiving, praise, and could be on any topic of our choosing. The only parameter of the assignment was that we needed to compile the psalm using the textual methodology we had been learning about. 

After much thought I decided to turn an old journal entry into a psalm of lament. The journal entry was from the summer of 2009 and was my only way, at the time, to deal with the realization that I was a Lesbian Christian. I decided to hold off on this post until today because it is National Coming Out Day. While a psalm of lament is not necessarily encouraging at first glance, I would like to make a case for why I wish I could have read something like this in 2009. 

While going through the process of coming out you often feel very alone at first, unsure of how anyone will react, how you will be perceived, if you will find love and community, or if you will be left alone. For anyone of faith these questions are surmounted by the all encompassing weight of judgment from your faith tradition. For me, It was never so much a judgement from God that I feared, it was more the judgement of the faith community I had grown up in, the pastors I knew and trusted, and my friends and family that I feared most of all. I can remember feeling utterly alone and frozen in these fears. Had I read something like the psalm I have written below, I would have had words to describe to God what was happening for me, I would have had the feeling that I was not going through this alone, and that for me, like many other people, would have made all the difference in the world.

The psalm I wrote, as my professor commented, ends in lament but with confessions of trust through that lament. While I would have liked to have ended the psalm on a note of praise, I knew this would have been a lie, because as that time praise was too hard a word to form on my lips. If you read the psalm closely enough you will see that there are several instances of a confession of trust in God, hoping to feel a sense of God's all encompassing love and peace. I hope someday when the things of school and life slow down, to write a psalm of praise based on coming through the other side of this psalm...but for now this is all I have to offer.

I feel the psalm I wrote accurately describes the way some LGBT Christians feel when they are in the closet. It is my hope that it will give voice to those heart breaking moments of faith, when you bear your soul to God, unsure of what the response may be. It is my prayer that it will make others feel less alone and perhaps give them words to use when they are unsure of what even to say.

Psalm 208
For the Director of Music. To the tune of “Do Not Destroy.” Of Lindsey. For Tyson and for all those “whosoever” who have suffered. 

¹Hear, O Lord, my plea,
listen to your child's heartfelt cry.

²As a slave in Egypt, I have yearned to be set free;
against the bounds of Pharaoh I have been beaten. 

³ In your name, O God, they have denounced me; 
the words of their mouths lash against me as whips, 
⁴“A blemish on the face of God's creation, 
an evil abomination in the eyes of God!”

⁵If you, O Lord, have called me by name,
If you have placed this cup before me;
⁶Why then, O Lord, do you allow your servants heart so much pain;
Why do you allow your child to sit alone in anguish.

⁷Even my closest friends, in whom I have trusted, 
and with whom I have praised your Holy Name;
⁸have lashed out against me,
their tongues  swords to slay,
their mouths open tombs,
burying my soul into the depths of Sheol. 

⁹ I turned to you O Lord,
Your face, I did seek. 
¹⁰ I abided within your will,
but my cries have been met by deaf ears;
condemnation becoming the ground beneath my feet. 

¹¹ I have faced many a storm already,
But why O Lord, why this storm?
¹² Of all else I would rather take claim of my life and my love,
Anything but this thorn.

¹³ I am tortured by the very thought;
while I know how I am seen in your eyes,
In the eyes of others, I will not appear white as snow.

¹⁴ While your countenance falls upon me now,
Will it if I act?
¹⁵ The thought of this makes my mouth run dry,
and my heart race with expectation.

¹⁶ I need to know O Lord, what is your will?
What have you meant by your Holy Word?

¹⁷ Teach me what is right, 
hold me close, 
never be far,
I will await your beckoning call.

¹⁸ Write your love on my heart, and make it beat for you alone.
For only you have the power to keep me going 
when my heart breaks in despair.
¹⁹ Allow me to hear your still small voice in the midst of this storm.

²⁰ Give me hope,
Give me grace,
Give me peace.
²¹Forgive me father and take from me this thorn. 

Shalom

Skakes