It is not the greatness of our faith, but the greatness of our God, which counts

"Faith is about being prepared to put one's trust in the promises of God, and the integrity and faithfulness of the God who made those promises. Faith is only as strong as the one in whom we believe and trust. The efficacy of faith does not rest upon the intensity with which we believe, but in the reliability of the one in whom we believe. It is not the greatness of our faith, but the greatness of our God, which counts". - Anglican Theologian Alister McGrath presenting Martin Luther's convictions.

Admittedly this quote is not how I would have envisioned started this new blog...but I feel it is fitting of where I feel I am at right at this very moment. If I said this week has been anything but difficult I would be lying. Yet as of right now I feel a peace I haven't felt for a long while. This peace in the midst of the storm this week is nothing but a testament to where I am at right now, rather I should say where God had brought and led me. I guess I should maybe explain. This week has given me more then a few chances to loose my pieces of my faith in God, in friends, and in love. If you would have told me a week ago today that within 7 days I would feel absolutely and completely destroyed mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally I would have said that could never happen. Yet it did. It sure did.

Last Monday I remembered the loss of a very good friend, mentor, and "sister" Krista. It was a devastating day on many levels as I slowly but surely became all to aware that I was far from over grieving the loss of her. The loss hit sometime around lunch and really never left my side for the remainder of the next few days. If you have ever lost someone, someone close, you will know the feeling I am describing. I think the feelings of deep grief associated with her sudden passing were only surmounted by the fact that they were accompanied a deep anger with God over the situation of her passing. She had just given birth to her third child. A beautiful girl who's brother and sister, mother and father, and an entire camp of kids and coaches welcomed into the world with a cheer and a great to do as Krista and her husband were and are pure gold. 2 days after the birth of her daughter krista suffered a massive blood clot at home, and while she was rushed to hospital and had an entire host of family friends and strangers praying for her she passed on. So remembering her loss for me is always a mixed bag of emotions. I feel so blessed to have had her in my life as she truly showed me how to be a woman of God and love. I am saddened for her families loss of a great mother. I am angered by Gods distance at times through dealing with her loss. Often people will speak of getting to ask God one question when they get to heaven. For the longest time I always said I wouldn't really have anything to ask him...but upon Krista's death I knew that question would have to be why Krista? Why now? What is your plan in this brokeness as it surely cant be worth her loss? Yet as mad at God as I can find myself upon remembering Krista i cant help but also rejoice at the life she had lived. The impact she had through her life and her death. I just wish things could have been very different...

This week was also a test of my ability to find the will, grace, humility, and understanding to do the "right thing" when deeply stirred emotionally. While this seemed to be the theme of my week with friends, family, and ex's it came to a head on Saturday that in my deepest nightmares I could have never had imagined. In one phone call my heart was broken, my trust in many things was destroyed, and a great wound of pain was reopened. As the call and its gravity took hold the lies I had worked so hard to displace from my inner most being over the last 6 months began to resurface in the back of my mind. While the revelation of the call brought back many feelings I had never wished to relive God granted me the peace in the moment to deal with the individual with a level of rationally I could have never thought possible. For that I thankful as without that gift this would have all been such a greater mess. I am now just praying he can continue to work in the situation in my heart, and in their heart, to bring healing and wholeness as i know only God can to a situation such as this. I have already felt God give me a peace and an understanding of the call and enough wisdom and grace to know the difference between the individual and their actions. I can only hope and pray that the individual can come to see themselves through the eyes God has granted me to see them through...and that when this person is finally able to forgiver themselves that God will grant me the heart and courage to do the same. All I can do now is intrust the individual and the situation into Gods hands trusting that He will work to bring right to so much wrong and find a way to mend several very broken hearts and souls.

Needless to say I have a lot of praying, seeking, and thinking ahead of me this week. While this past week was a piece of work I look forward to the week to come with its new beginnings, hope for the future, and return of much that is known to be tested and true.

Skakes